It's like God shit irony all over that family
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
