mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
