I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
