Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Even my vagina gasped.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
She needs sedatives and a leash
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Everyone says I win the strip club
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
