Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
