What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
