I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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