How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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