Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
