Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
