The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
