I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
thus making me awesome and them whores
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
