roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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