So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
