the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
