Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
