So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
