I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
