Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
