Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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