Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
