Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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