Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
