If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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