and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
