I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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