Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
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