I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
