Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
