My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
