: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Randomize
