birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Randomize
