my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
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