I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
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