i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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