Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
