your parents love me but you hate me
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
