we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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