is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I have feelings that need drinking.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
