Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
