Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Vodka?
Forever.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Randomize
