I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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