i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
we're so committed to being not committed
Randomize
