I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
