Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I'm too high and old for this...
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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