Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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