"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
