I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
