he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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