I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
